take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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