I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
