My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
