i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
