I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
