I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
