she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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