so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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