Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
