Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
