ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
