My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
