My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
