do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
