Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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