broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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