I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
