He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
