Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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