The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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