I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize