If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you made out with another girl for some wings
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
