u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
