I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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