So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
