its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
