Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Be still, my beating vagina.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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