I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
