My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
