she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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