I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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