the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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