after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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