Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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