i need an iv and a liver transplant
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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