Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
