I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
