Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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