oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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