you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
