Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
