Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
