I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
