I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
