Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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