I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
