why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
