Betty ford says i'm here all night
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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