It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
