My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
