can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize