God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
