if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
