Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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