It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
