just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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