I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
