Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
