Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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