I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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