so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
